My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
