This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
