Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
