Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
