Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
