saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
