Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
