Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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