Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
