Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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