Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
