I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
