I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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