he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
