Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
pop tarts are not kleenex
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
