Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
