First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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