Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
