Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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