my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
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you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
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The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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