please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
