I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You took a bar mat shot.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
