My first STD was from a foam party
I met the friendliest cop last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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