i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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