Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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