every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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