why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
