hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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