Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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