hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
