I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
