i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were trust falling into bushes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
