Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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