just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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