You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
