My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.