What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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