a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
