Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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