my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
