Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
