Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
