the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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