Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
