Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
