Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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