theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
