the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you had me at cake vodka
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
