dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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