It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
