My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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