I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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