Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
