so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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