I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Green mimosas i think yes
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
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No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize