He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
