I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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