i think i have two assholes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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